House's Creative Mind
by Carlotta's twin
Summary: House writes some fanfiction about the hospital. Cuddy doesn't approve. Kutner does. Taub gets snarky, and Foreman gets jealous. All in all, good times.


House's Creative Mind

by CT

A/N: So, I wanted to write a humorous fic, and to do that, I had to rewind the clock to before Kutner died. Because he was, first of all, a very humorous character, and second of all, everything is pretty tragic in House without him, and will be for the next few episodes. So, he's still alive in this one. Whatevs.

Oh, and I don't own House. Um...at all. In any way, shape or form.

Cuddy made it a habit to Google her name every 2 weeks. It was a ritual—put up on her calendar alongside appointments, babysitters, and dates. There was only one reason for it: House.

He was the type of person who would put her name on something _awful_; a porno, maybe, or on eHarmony advertising herself as a 'loose woman who enjoys black bisexual men'. The worst part was: he had already done the above. Twice. So she, just as a precaution, she checked her name on the Internet, making sure it was free from damage done to it courtesy of House.

Due to her recently becoming a mother, however, she had not had the time to do an extensive search for the past few months. So she came into work early to do just that. Scrolling down through the list of Lisa Cuddy's, she was surprised to see her name on a...what was the word? Fanfiction. It was from some site called "Escape Reality: Publish your own Life." She clicked on the link, and then sorely regretted it later.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

House limped into his diagnostic room and took a seat, waiting for the rest of his team to show up. Kutner walked in first. "Here early, huh?" House remarked. "Suck-up."

"Not much traffic." Kutner replied. "So, do we have a case yet?"

"No, and you're still a suck-up." House said.

"You don't insult people very well in the morning, do you?" Kutner asked. "Need some coffee?"

"You're an Indian, an idiot, and you have no life." House said.

"Not the best insults you've come up with."

"They weren't insults. They were facts." House replied. He closed his eyes and raised one hand. "Ah, I sense a Cuddy angrily approaching."

Cuddy burst through the door, and crossed her arms, glaring at House.

"That's cool boarding on creepy, House." Kutner said.

"Dr. Kutner? If you'll excuse us for a second." Cuddy said through clenched teeth. Kutner jumped up, ready to head out the door.

"No. I think he should stay here." House argued.

"You do not want to be messing with me today, House." Cuddy snapped.

"Time of the month, Cuddy?"

"House. What is this?" she asked, showing him a handful of paper.

"Why, those look to be words, Cuddy! If your period has made you forget how to read, you really should take some time off." House said, barely glancing at the paper.

"It's fanfiction." Cuddy snapped.

"Oh, cool!" Kutner said. "I love writing fanfiction." Cuddy stared at him. "Star Trek. I wrote this great alternative history to the Klingon Empire and-"

"Just when I thought you could not get any geekier," House interrupted, "You hit this new low."

"You're one to talk, House. You wrote this! About me!" Cuddy snapped, as Thirteen and Foreman entered the room. "You said I had a lesbian escapade with Dr. Hadley!"

"Excuse me?" Thirteen asked, as Foreman gave her a sharp look. "_What_ happened?"

"House wrote some..._interesting_ fanfiction," Kutner explained, grabbing the papers from House and beginning to read them. Thirteen read over his shoulder, as Taub entered the room.

"So it's not true?" Foreman asked, glancing at Thirteen, then Cuddy, then House.

"No, but it _is _hot." House answered, grinning rather evilly.

"Wow. That scene is....explicit." Thirteen said, leaning in closer over Kutner's shoulder. "And accurate." Foreman pulled her back. "Oh, come on. I'm with you, aren't I?"

"Oooh, Foreman's jealous!" House laughed.

"Do I want to know what's going on?" Taub asked. Kutner quickly caught him up to speed. "So you put Thirteen and Cuddy together?" Taub asked House. "Really? Is that even realistic?"

"That's why it's called fan_fiction_, oh ye of little imagination...and height." House rebuked. "But I know. I was considering having Cuddy and Cameron together, but then I decided it would be better if I had 13 instead. My readers liked that idea more, too, because not only is it more believable, but then Foreman could walk in on them and all sorts of drama would occur." House grinned. "I would pay to be Foreman in that situation."

Kutner smirked, and Thirteen hit him. "Hey!" he said, "_I _didn't think of it."

"Is it only Thirteen and Cuddy who are in your fanfiction?" Taub asked.

"No, you're in there too," House said, searching through the papers until he found Taub, and then tossed the paper to him,"You're in there...cheating on your wife. Oh wait. My bad. That's not fiction."

"You should put yourself in there minding your own damn business, since that is." Taub snapped, glaring at House.

"See? He can do some good insults in the morning." Kutner said to House, nodding appreciatively at Taub.

"You're in here too. As a loser geek who lusts after Taub. Dammit, not fiction either. I'm new to this, give me a few more chapters." House said.

"'Lusts after Taub'? Is everyone gay?" Foreman asked scornfully. "Not like there's anything wrong with that..." he said, glancing at Thirteen, who just rolled her eyes.

"It's fanfiction. Pretty much all the characters have to be gay or bi. It's Thirteen's paradise." House explained.

"House, you are going to take this off the-" Cuddy began, but stopped when Wilson entered the room.

"So House I...what is going on here?" Wilson asked.

"House wrote this....completely inappropriate fanfiction about all of us!" Cuddy yelled.

"Am I in there?" Wilson asked, looking over at the papers. "'Wilson strode into the cafeteria, and put his hands on his hips, like always, and gave a leer at one of the nurses.' I do not _leer_ at nurses, House!"

"I think everybody is forgetting the word 'fiction' in 'fanfiction'." House sighed. "If you want, I can change everybody's names. Thirteen can been 'Sixty-Nine', and Foreman can be 'Boreman'...both are appropriate for their characters, anyway."

"Why is it that I'm lusting after you, House?" Wilson asked, examining the papers.

"It's probably because of my sunny demeanor." House replied.

"No, in the fanfiction."

"Well, that's not fiction, either, huh, House?" Taub asked bitterly, still upset over House's comments about his affair.

"Not in Wilson's case. I mean, come on—who's he kidding? Look at the way he dresses." House said, with a nod towards the man.

"What do you...is there something wrong with the way I dress?" Wilson asked nervously, glancing at his clothes.

"No, you look just adorable, honey." House said.

"I told you it's not fiction." Taub grinned. Foreman grabbed the fanfiction and began to read.

"Hmm....how about Taub in the next chapter gets fired? That won't be fiction, either." House said, "At least, not with the way you're going today."

"Yeah, you're pushing it," Kutner agreed. Taub gave him a dirty look.

"Suck-up." House stage-whispered.

"I don't want him to lose his job!" Kutner argued.

"House, you are going to lose your job if you don't remove this fanfiction from that site." Cuddy threatened. "Right now. I will watch you remove it."

"From which site? I posted it on quite a few. In fact, I think I've forgotten some of the one's I've posted it on..." House shrugged. "I'll try my best to remember, Cuddy...really." Cuddy breathed deeply, as if trying to calm her nerves, and left. Wilson shook his head, but followed suit. House grinned.

"I have so much new material to write about now." House exclaimed, taking a few Vicodin.

"You have Chase in here obsessing about his hair." Foreman said, glancing up from the fanfiction. "And how it makes him look like one of those air-headed models."

"Also not fiction." House said. "So, our case. Anybody want to hear about it, or are we just going to sit here reading my wonderful masterpiece?"

So....review!


End file.
